#82 How to nurture parent child attachment when work travelling - with Todd Sarner

Synopsis:

“Building an attachment culture, which is what I'm talking about, is a way to just make kids feel more connected more often. That doesn't depend on just you being with them. When you have this culture built around them, they feel more connected more often.”

If you’ve ever worried about how frequent travel or long work assignments away from home affect your connection with your children, this episode is for you. This week, host Rhoda Bangerter sat down with expert guest Todd Sarner - licensed marriage family therapist and former Neufeld Institute faculty member - to unpack the science of attachment and how families can build secure, lasting bonds even when parents are separated by distance.

Key Takeaways from Todd Sarner:

• Attachment Is a Lifelong Journey: Todd emphasises that attachment isn’t just about those early baby years—it’s a “cradle to grave phenomenon.” Whether your child is a toddler or heading into adulthood, the quality of your connection matters far more than the quantity of time spent together.
• Connection over Perfection: Parenting is a long-term project: what matters most is that children feel loved, understood, and supported—even if things aren’t perfect every day.
• Signals and Responses: Kids express their emotional needs in different ways—sometimes directly (“Do you love me?”), other times through acting out or even directly saying ‘you don’t love me’. Both are invitations for connection, and Todd’s advice is simple: don’t take it personally. Respond with compassion, not reactivity.

Three-Phase Approach for Attachment:

1. Attachment & Connection: Always gather that sense of connection first, whether face-to-face or on a video call. Simple gestures like getting your child’s attention and eye contact matter.
2. Ritual & Structure: Create rituals that bring predictability—even if routines shift when a parent is away. Consistency in consequences and boundaries helps children feel secure, no matter the setting. This is especially important when the rhythms change on departure days and return days. Even if it is okay for there to be ‘two rhythms’, one when a parent is away and one when they are home, agreeing on key consequences helps.
3. Guiding Behavior: Discipline works best when rooted in relationship. Focus on compassionate limit setting, teaching kids to process feelings rather than resorting to punishment or anger.

Bridging & Matchmaking: When apart, use “bridging” language to let kids know you’re thinking of them and looking forward to reunion. Meanwhile, the parent at home can “matchmake”—facilitate conversations and positive stories about the traveling parent to keep that connection strong.

Parental Self-Compassion and Alpha Leadership Matter Most: Todd highlights that striving for perfection is not only impossible but unnecessary. Parents should focus on becoming the “alpha” (guiding, calmly in charge, nurturing) figure, regardless of distance. Seeking resources, support, and coaching is beneficial, but your unique bond as a parent is irreplaceable. Communicating love, pride, and trust—especially in focused, heartfelt moments—can remain with your child long after the call or visit ends.

Actionable Ideas for Your Family:

• Schedule regular touchpoints (calls, messages) with your child focused on connection, not just logistics.
• Share stories and memories that make your child feel special.
• Collaborate with your partner on a few key family rituals and consequences so your child experiences predictability, no matter who’s at home. 
• Practice “matchmaking” by bringing up stories about the other parent in positive ways.

Connect with Todd Sarner 

Website: https://www.transformativeparenting.com

Youtube: https://www.youtube.coom/transformativeparenting

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tparenting

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tparenting

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toddsarner/

Todd’s book ‘The Calm Connected Parent’ comes out November 18th!

Contact Rhoda: rhoda@amulticulturallife.com

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Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad

Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.

OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.

You may be wondering:

• How can we be a family when we're miles apart?
• Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?

I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.