#81 Improve your long distance relationships with attachment - with Bryan Power

Synopsis:

Ever wondered how your childhood wounds impact your relationships? Today my guest is Bryan Power. He is the founder of make your relationship fail and a certified integrated attachment theory coach. We look at integrated attachment theory together, what it is, how it can be useful for our relationships, and specifically then looking at how it works where there is geographical separation. 

3 key takeaways:

Attachment Styles Shape Every Relationship:

• Whether you’re anxious, avoidant, or secure, understanding your own and your partner’s attachment style is crucial for better communication and connection (especially if you’re miles apart!).
• “If I believe this person doesn't love me, this person is going to leave me, I'm going to be left here alone to deal with the family, the kids, they're never coming home. Those are the stories I'm telling myself that are taking my emotional bandwidth and just throwing it through the roof. Now I'm again, I'm at an emotional level 10. Instead of just being able to relax and say, hey, my spouse loves me, we're in this situation. They're away from me a little bit, but I know he loves me. I know she loves me. I know that we're okay. I know that this time away is just time that we're going to have to deal with a little bit on our own and. And someday we're going to be able to have that full time together. You're able to relax in that.”

Healing Starts with Self-Awareness:

• “Fixing” a relationship often begins with working on yourself—identifying your personal wounds, triggers, and stories you’re telling yourself. The more aware you are, the healthier your connections become. Some of the wounds could be fear of abandonment, fear of losing independence, fear of being trapped, feeling unsafe. 
• *When my emotions are really high, it's a really good time to say, why do I feel this way? What is it? What is it that I'm really afraid of here?”

Distance Can Be an Opportunity:

• Time apart isn’t just a challenge—it’s a chance to foster growth, both individually and as a couple. Investing in relationship tools and self-development during these periods pays dividends when you’re reunited.

• “How can I look at this and say, okay, why am I so triggered? What are my core wounds that are causing me to be maybe overly sensitive to these things? And then begin to work on those. Because as we work on those wounds now, I'm going to be a little bit more okay with some distance. I don't have to call 10 times a day. Maybe I could call once or twice. I can now find a little bit better balance that actually works for both sides. Because if you're super needy like that, let's face it, the other person you're going to drive them crazy at some point.”

• The key is to find a balance. So how can I, as the anxious person not be so needy to where I can handle a lot of my needs myself? I don't have to be worried about my spouse constantly. On the flip side, as a dismissive how can I be sensitive to my spouse and realize that they may need a little bit more attention than I do at this point and I don't have to call them 10 times a day, but that one phone call a day could be that one great call that helps my spouse find some emotional connection and be able to regulate and be able to kind of feel good about this situation. Because if we just take it as a dismissive avoidant and we just poo poo the whole thing and just act like, oh, you're just being overly sensitive or overly needy, that doesn't really validate the other person at all. And it really makes them feel disconnected and unloved and unwanted, and it actually causes more and more anxiety. So you're actually triggering that. You actually could be triggering that even more for that person.”

Visit Bryan Power’s website makeyourrelationshipfail.com for a free attachment style quiz. Through his website you can access personal coaching, pursue self-guided learning and join Thais Gibson’s Personal Development School. 

Thais Gibson interview with Mel Robbins - integrated attachment theory

Contact Rhoda: rhoda@amulticulturallife.com

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Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad

Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.

OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.

You may be wondering:

• How can we be a family when we're miles apart?
• Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?

I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.