#42 Does one of you go? Tips for considering geographical separation

Episode 42

Rhoda Bangerter [: 00:00:03

Welcome to Holding the Fort Abroad, the podcast about frequent business travel and working away from home. My name is Rhoda Bangerter and I help parents who have a partner who travels a lot for work. I help them manage the stress and disconnect from living this life so that they can enjoy the growth and intention this lifestyle can bring. And today I'm going to speak about deciding or not to do split family assignments or split location assignments. Sometimes when I say split family arrangements, it can be misunderstood as separation, that the couple is actually not together again, but in the academic literature it is termed or the term used is split family assignment, international assignment. So I use a split location because it just makes it a little bit more clear. Now, I think that when you're a member of a couple and one or both of you travel a lot for work, it's kind of easy to slip into it, I would think, where you don't really keep track of the days you're home or gone. You could be gone, or your partner could be gone a week, then come back, then go off again a few days, then come back.

Rhoda Bangerter [: 00:01:31

It's kind of easy to slip into and you're not really sitting down and having a conversation about whether to do this or not. For commuting, maybe there is a little bit more of a conversation where you're like, okay, I'm going to be gone from Monday to Friday. Are you okay with this? It's going to take a bit more arrangement. I need to book a hotel or a place to stay in the new place. It might be in another city, and maybe there might be some arrangements for the parent who's home, if there are children, to kind of get a babysitter on a regular basis or get some extra help. But when your husband or your wife comes home and says, there's a posting that I've been offered, and I'm going to be gone three months or six months or a year, or actually it's a two or three year posting. Should we do this? That's a whole other question, and that starts a whole other conversation. So I want to kind of dig into this a little bit today.

Rhoda Bangerter [: 00:02:37

I want to give you three areas to think about if this is you having this conversation. And very interesting. In the last two months, we've had two couples come forward and ask for advice on this, for these exact scenarios. And the posting was unaccompanied both times. It was mandated by the organization. It was part of the posting that their partners couldn't join them. In one case, my husband spoke to the husband alone because he was just wondering whether to apply. And then in the other case, we actually did a two couple, both of us plus both of them conversation.

Rhoda Bangerter [: 00:03:26

And of course, we can't take a decision for you. I can't make that decision for you. It's not an easy decision to take because there are pros and cons to it. But if you're considering it, I suspect that you have already a few good reasons to even be considering it. If you're an organization, if you're staff at an organization and your organization sends staff abroad on unaccompanied assignments, I would strongly, strongly recommend offering workshops, offering space for employees and their partners to be able to talk things through and prepare it. When I spoke to Florence Reisch, she really said how important it was and what a difference it made to the whole experience, that she prepared it with a coach. So her husband had come to her and said, there's a position and it would be for three years and you can go back to listen to it. It's episode 32.

Rhoda Bangerter [: 00:04:41

She initially said, you know, they initially had said they didn't want to do this ever, but they had good reasons. And so she considered it. But she also prepared it. She prepared it internally for herself as the parent who was going to stay home. And I think it's just as important for the parent who's going to be leaving to also prepare. And can you get through it without preparation? Probably, although it's maybe risky. Is it better to kind of put in place things that are going to avoid unnecessary hurt and strife and conflict? Yes. So let's dig in.

Rhoda Bangerter [: 00:05:23

The first thing I would advise you to do. Oh, let me just say one last thing. If you're in a situation where you're the partner at home and you feel your husband or wife has taken the decision without really consulting you, that's a really difficult situation to be in. If you feel like you've been presented, it's a fait accompli, it's done, it's pretty much been decided, and you have to go along with it. I would say make sure that you figure out how to make it work for you, express your needs. You say, okay, if we're going to do this, this is what I'm going to need. And I would highly recommend bringing a therapist, talk to someone, an outside person who you trust, who's level headed and who's going to help you figure this out and say, listen, I just need to figure out what I'm going to need to make this work. And it's going to work for me because if my partner.

Rhoda Bangerter [: 00:06:34

There's two scenarios. Your partner desperately wants this and didn't want to talk to you about it because they didn't want you to say no. That's a whole other conversation. I was going to say, the other scenario is they didn't really pay attention. It was an accident. But there's no accident that they didn't consult you. I would say instead of maybe pushing for couples therapy, start working on what you can do because pushing them in one way or the other when they have their mind and heart set isn't going to work. So see, maybe figure out what you can do to make it work for you, what you're going to need, and definitely reach out and speak to somebody on the best way to handle this.

Rhoda Bangerter [: 00:07:32

So the first thing I would say if you're considering it together is look at the practical aspects and it might be a little bit reversed. You say, why are we looking at the practical aspects before looking at whether we want to do it or not? Well, because if you're looking at all the other conversations without knowing exactly what you're talking about, it's kind of hard to really take the right decision. So I'd say, look at the time differences. Is there a 1 hour time difference, a two hour time difference, or is it like a six hour time difference? And that's going to make quite a lot of difference for you in terms of when your contact points will be, especially depending on the ages of the children, if they're quite young, is it going to bedtime? Is there going to be able to be a contact point or not? Mornings. Is there going to be able to be a contact point or not? That will definitely affect things. Flight costs, flight timings. It's going to be exhausting for the partner who goes and comes back to be traveling. I know that sometimes as the parents who stays home, we're like, oh, I wish I could have that six hour on a plane by myself.

Rhoda Bangerter [: 00:08:45

But with time differences and traveling, it's quite exhausting. And just factor that in when you're taking the decision, what's the longest time you're going to be apart? Obviously, you're going to have to stay flexible with this because even if you decide to do it and you're like, it's fine, he's going to come home every six weeks. Well, don't count on it, because once they're on posts, things change. Suddenly they're like, I can't come this time because we've been working on a project, and it's finally working out, and I need to be here. Factor that in. When you're taking the decision that the timings of return and all of that, there's going to be a lot of change. So can you live with that? If you're the parent with the children, are you going to be able to visit the place? I had a client recently tell me about the fact that when she went to visit where her husband was working with the children, she said it made a huge amount of difference to be able to see what he was living every day, what he was grappling with, what his lifestyle was, and she was able to really understand what it was like when he came home because he was coming from that lifestyle. Yeah.

Rhoda Bangerter [: 00:10:08

And then I would say the ages of the children, if they're teenagers, if they're younger, I would still say, don't kind of tell them as a fait accompli, maybe not at the very, very beginning of the conversations, but when you're a little bit way in and you have a little bit more detail, just sort of sit them down and say, listen, this is maybe with a map and a few pictures of that country, and say, okay, daddy's been offered this job and it's in this country, and we cannot come with him. So we will not be moving. We will be staying here. And one of the important things is Daddy is not moving out. His stuff will stay here. He'll be taking some things with him, but this is still his home. And then see what they say could be very interesting. If you have young children, that's something to be a little bit careful of because that's really when attachments happen, when they're very young.

Rhoda Bangerter [: 00:11:17

So I would also be mindful about that. That's a bit of a more difficult one. The second one I would consider is what your couple can take. What's your relationship like? Where are you at in your couple? Whether you're fighting constantly or getting on super well, whether you're under the same roof or miles apart, you can have a great relationship or bad relationship. Either way, I think being geographically separated doesn't necessarily fix your problems. If you're struggling, what it can give you is a little bit of space so you can each maybe grow and work on. Think. So there's two episodes that could be interesting for you to listen to.

Rhoda Bangerter [: 00:12:29

There's Philips Hwang, episode 37. I'll put the timings in the show notes, but there's a point in the podcast, we talk about physical intimacy, healthy physical intimacy with this long distance. And he reminds us, really, that there are plenty of couples that, not necessarily for work, but sometimes for illness or for other reasons, are not able to have physical intimacy or not able to be together. And these things happen. And he says, this is part of your own discipline in how you manage your relationship and yourself in that relationship. The other one is episode 5, Vivian Chiona, where we're looking at communicating and staying connected as a long distance couple. So you might want to think about that.

Rhoda Bangerter [: 00:13:42

I would say set the intention for this time as a couple. How are you going to use the distance? My husband and I, when we were geographically separated, we really focused on developing our friendship. We ended up having conversations. And we're not the only couple who says this. Some couples really say that they've strengthened their couple because you can get out of ruts that you've been in. It can bring back a little bit of spice. You've been separated for a while, you come back together. It's exciting, but set the intention.

Rhoda Bangerter [: 00:14:22

Are you going to work on your friendship? How are you going to stay connected? What are your expectations? And then the third thing I want to mention is the reasons that you want to do it. And my experience is that for most couples, there's more than one reason. Write those down. I've said it before. I say it again, make sure you write them down, because when other people question what you're doing, because they are going to, and when times get rough, then you can go back to those and say, no, we have reasons for doing this. And another consideration, duration. I would also add, is it open ended or fixed term? It is much easier psychologically if it's fixed term. Let's do it for a year.

Rhoda Bangerter [: 00:15:17

Let's do it for two years. Reconsider because it's not an easy one. It really isn't an easy one. And it's not because it's not easy that you're not supposed to do it. Sometimes hard things are the right thing to do, and sometimes as well, it's timing. Right. We had considered doing it for New York and we then decided not to do it. And then we considered doing it for Kabul and we decided to do it.

Rhoda Bangerter [: 00:15:49

So the same family. It could be the right time or it could just not be the right time. The reasons, write them down. Also, if you're the partner who is staying with the kids, do not do it out of a sense of sacrifice, like I'm going to sacrifice myself so that my husband or my wife is going to have a great career. Don't. Make sure that it's going to work for you, because otherwise you're heading towards, it's going to bite you later on. If that's your only reason, don't do it now. You might want to say, okay, it's not my top choice, but let's make it work so that you can get this job opportunity. But doing it out of a sense of sacrifice, just for the sense of sacrifice, I would say, definitely be very wary of that.

Rhoda Bangerter [: 00:16:50

And the last thing I would say, talk about it with people who know you, who love you, who have the best interest, your best interest at heart, and who are open to the discussion. A lot of people will dismiss this kind of arrangement out of hand without even considering or listening to your reasons. They will say that it's impossible that you're going to wreck your family and that really shame on you for considering it. I would say, okay, thank you for sharing. I've taken your opinion under consideration. But talk to people who are open to listening to your pros and cons and engaging with you in the conversation and grappling with the decision with you. And the other thing I'd say is talk about it with people who have done it. And if you want to reach out to me, please do.

Rhoda Bangerter [: 00:17:52

I'm very happy to talk with you about this. To grapple with you about this, you can also listen to. There's a multitude of episodes on my podcast. There's Colleen Higgs, episode 19, she's done it. Michael Sullivan, episode 37, he's done it. He's doing it. Also another dad who's done it, Robert H. Episode four, he was the dad at home, Shelley Burrows, she did it with teenagers, episode nine, and Florence, episode 37, they've done it for seven years.

Rhoda Bangerter [: 00:18:33

So lots of people who are doing it, who are making it work, as I said before, there's Arlette Chatlein as well, episode 17. And they've done it for many years. It's not an easy path. Um, in the end, it's your decision. If I can help in any way, please reach out. And remember, wherever you are, wherever your partner is, you are not alone. Thank you for listening. Bye.